Why Do You Keep Fighting with Your Partner?

Written by Dr. Gloria Lee, R.Psych.

Most couples who come for counselling complain that their partner JUST DOESN’T LISTEN!

The psych-illogical thought is that both people want to be heard, but neither wants to listen to the other. 

So what can you do to change this nonsense?

Lesson #1: Listen to Your Partner

This is easier said than done. Just shut up and don’t say anything. It doesn’t mean that you tune out your partner. Rather, you tune IN to what they are really trying say.

You will have to block out the running narrative in your head. Instead, be curious about what your partner is saying. Don’t interpret their words with your own narrative.

One reason why fights start in the first place is because partners don’t listen. Partners tell each other what the other is saying through their own interpretation of the facts presented rather than taking the spoken words at face value.

This angers your partner because they don’t feel listened to. When your partner becomes triggered, they start to interrupt, get defensive, and justify their position. Then a fight erupts.

Both people start to feel invalidated, hurt, and flooded. The conflict escalates and the fight continues until both people are exhausted. But there is no resolution, just deflation.  

If you want different results, DO something different. Simply be quiet and listen. Pay attention and really listen. Don’t interrupt, interpret, or invalidate your partner. Notice the noise in your head. The harder it is to listen, the more you need to practice.

Try this and you just might get better results.

To get more support in your relationship, contact us at Brentwood Counselling Centre to see how we can help.

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