Leah (Yaxun) Liu
Registered Clinical Counsellor #17641
Have you ever said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”?
Maybe you agreed to work late again, answered a phone call when you were exhausted, or helped someone even though you had nothing left to give.
Then, instead of feeling good, you felt tired, resentful, or overwhelmed.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
Many people struggle with setting boundaries, not because they don’t know what they need, but because they feel guilty for putting themselves first.
The good news is this: healthy boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about taking care of yourself while caring about others.
What are healthy boundaries?
Think of your home.
Your home has walls, doors, and windows. They protect what is inside, but they also allow you to invite people in.
If your home had no walls, anyone could walk in whenever they wanted. It would not feel safe.
Our emotional boundaries work the same way.
Healthy boundaries help us decide:
- What we are comfortable with.
- What we are not comfortable with.
- What we are willing to give.
- What we need to protect.
Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about communicating what we need and how we will take care of ourselves.
Why do we feel guilty?
Many of us grew up believing that being a “good person” means making everyone happy.
Maybe you learned:
- Don’t disappoint others.
- Put others first.
- Don’t be selfish.
- Keep the peace.
- Be helpful no matter what.
These messages often come from our family, culture, school, or past experiences. Over time, we may start believing:
“If I say no, people won’t like me.”
“If I disappoint someone, I am a bad person.”
“My needs are less important than everyone else’s.”
At the same time, we can gently question those old beliefs. Ask yourself, “Is this belief helping me or hurting me?” “Would I expect someone I love to never say no?” “Can I care about others and care for myself at the same time?” Often, we discover that these beliefs were shaped by past experiences, family messages, or difficult relationships, but they don’t have to guide us forever. As we replace unhelpful beliefs with healthier ones, such as “My needs matter too” or “Saying no doesn’t make me a bad person”, the guilt often becomes smaller, and setting boundaries begins to feel more natural.
Remember: Someone else’s disappointment is not your responsibility. This can be one of the hardest lessons to learn.When we set a boundary, someone may feel disappointed.That does not automatically mean we did something wrong.People can be disappointed and still respect us.Healthy relationships make room for both people’s needs.
Five steps to setting healthy boundaries
1. Notice what your body is telling you
Our body often notices a boundary before our mind does. You may notice:
- Tight shoulders
- A knot in your stomach
- Feeling drained after seeing someone
- Feeling resentful
- Wanting to avoid certain people or situations
These feelings may be signs that a boundary is needed. Pause and ask yourself: “What am I needing right now?”
2. Be clear and kind
You do not need a long explanation. Simple is often best.
For example:
- “I’m not available tonight.”
- “I need some time to think about it.”
- “I’m not able to take this on.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
Being kind does not mean saying yes. It means speaking with honesty and respect.
3. Expect discomfort
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you are used to putting others first.
That discomfort does not mean you made the wrong decision. Like exercising a new muscle, boundaries become easier with practice.
4. Stay consistent
A boundary is only helpful if you continue to honour it. For example, if you tell people you don’t answer work emails after 6 p.m., try your best not to reply “just this once” every night. Consistency teaches others how to treat you. More importantly, it teaches yourself that your needs matter too.
5. Uphold the boundary with consequences
If someone repeatedly ignores your boundary, calmly let them know what you will do to protect your well-being. For example: “If you continue to raise your voice during our conversation, I’m going to end the call, and we can talk again when we’re both calm.”
Following through isn’t about punishing the other person. It’s about respecting yourself and showing that your boundaries matter.
A helpful mindset shift
Instead of asking: “Will people be upset with me?”
Try asking: “What happens if I keep saying yes when I really mean no?”
Often the cost is high:
- Burnout
- Resentment
- Stress
- Emotional exhaustion
- Losing touch with yourself
Healthy boundaries protect not only your well-being but also your relationships. When we constantly over give, resentment grows. When we care for ourselves, we have more energy to care for others.
Remember:
- You can be kind and still say no.
- You can care deeply about someone and still have limits.
- You can disappoint others without failing them.
Healthy boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They are doors that allow you to choose when, how, and with whom you share your time, energy, and heart. Boundaries is one of the greatest acts of self-respect. Every time you honour your needs with kindness and courage, you are teaching yourself and others, that your well-being matters too.
If setting boundaries still feels overwhelming, you don’t have to navigate it alone, the team at Brentwood Counselling in Burnaby, BC is here to support you with compassionate, professional care.
Book a free 15-minute phone consultation to start your journey!