Written by: Dr. Nardeen Awadalla, PsyD, Doctoral Clinician
Sometimes it can feel like life is happening to you and you’re trying to keep your head above water. In times like this, while it might look like everything is fine on the outside, you might be feeling dissatisfied or uneasy on the inside without really knowing why.
The first step towards feeling satisfied is knowing what is making you feel dissatisfied – a lot of times you don’t give yourself a chance to really know what’s going on, you just try to “fix” the situation. When that doesn’t work, you can be left feeling disappointed, frustrated, or stuck.
For example, Amanda always feels frustrated when she leaves a meeting at a work and tries to fix this by focusing on her next task at work, so that she can feel better in the moment. But next time when she’s in a meeting, again she leaves feeling frustrated.
What if you can’t “fix” the situation because you don’t actually know what you’re fixing?
The truth is that most of the time, you may be reacting to situations that are like the tip of the iceberg; even if you chip away at the tip of the iceberg, there’s still a lot of ice under the surface that is impacting you and making you reactive.
It’s hard to fix something when you don’t know what it is that you’re fixing.
Here is a technique that can help you identify what’s going on below the tip of the iceberg and how you can start the journey of feeling satisfied and at ease!
1. Slow down…
2. Notice: What is happening?
For example:
- What do you feel in your body?
- What emotions do you have?
- What’s the urge you have?
- What thoughts are in your mind?
3. Slow down…
4. Notice: What do you think is happening? What are you feeling inside?
For example:
- Do you feel misunderstood?
- Do you feel threatened?
- Do you feel angry?
- Do you feel sad?
- Do you feel insecure?
5. Slow down…
6. Acknowledge your need and name it
For example:
- I need safety when feeling threatened
- I need reassurance when feeling insecure
- I need space when feeling overwhelmed
- I need support when feeling sad
- I need to set boundaries when feeling angry
7. Acknowledge your right to have your needs met
For example:
- I have needs and that’s ok
- It makes sense that I have this need
- I deserve to have my needs met
Let’s go back to Amanda feeling stuck in a cycle of being frustrated after meetings and how she may use this technique:
1. Slow down…
Amanda goes to her desk to take a moment to breathe
2. What is happening?
Amanda notices she’s feeling tense and annoyed
3. Slow down…
Amanda takes another moment to breathe
4. What do you think is happening? What are you feeling inside?
Amanda realizes she is frustrated because she wants to be heard in her meetings and often doesn’t get a chance to contribute. She feels dismissed.
5. Slow down…
Amanda takes a moment to allow her body to relax
6. Acknowledge your need and name it
Amanda says “I need to feel heard”
7. Acknowledge your right to have your needs met
Amanda reminds herself: “It makes sense that I’m frustrated, I have a right to feel heard.”
Once you know your needs and have given yourself permission to work with it, you can make decisions from a place of intention, rather than reaction. At this point, you’re acting in a way that is based on what is truly happening and have increased your chances of feeling satisfied.
If you find that parts of this process are difficult and you are getting stuck, that’s completely normal – this is a skill you can build. For some people, slowing down feels like a struggle. For others, noticing their bodily sensations or feelings are difficult. Yet still for others, identifying their needs can be a challenge.
If you feel stuck or notice certain patterns that are difficult to work with, a therapist can help with this process.
Give yourself a chance to find out what your needs are, you deserve it. Reach out to us at Brentwood Counselling Centre to learn how to be more in tune with your sense of self and get your needs met.
